U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
