Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
