Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
How external is "for external use only"?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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