Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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