I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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