I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
