i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
