I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
