for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
