Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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