Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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