i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
