i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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