Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
