Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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