I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
