Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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