You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
