I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
