Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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