dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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