i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
