and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
