people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
