the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
