i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Ladies don't puke and tell
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
