I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
