It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
