I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The maid of honor just puked.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
