i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
