Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm passing your future prison.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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