I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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