I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
