You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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