Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
