Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
