i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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