Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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