I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
