Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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