and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
