she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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