God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
