My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
