hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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