My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
