If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
