some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
