On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
