You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
