you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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