there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
