I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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