$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
there is puke in my bra ... again
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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