I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
