fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
